Virginian housewife Mrs. Ethel Robinson turned heads in the world of Internet legislation when she stepped up to lead the latest wave of anti-piracy legislation. Her strategy, she told reporters, was to use a combination of firm scoldings and subtle punishment to “make these Internet pirates think about what they’ve done.”
“You have to be very clear with pirates,” Ethel told reporters, “that this sort of behavior simply will not be tolerated. You are their internet service provider and so long as they’re in your WiFi using your bandwidth, they have to follow your rules.” The plan utilizes a series of escalating punishment to discourage Internet pirates, with first offenses resulting in a simple warning about the illegality of piracy. “Some of these pirates don’t know any better,” Ethel explained, “They see their little friends doing it and they think it’s okay. In a case like that, you just need to sit them down and let them know what they’re doing is wrong.”
For repeat offenders, Ethel said, a firmer punishment is in order. A recidivist pirate might, for instance, not be allowed to use the Internet until they’ve sat through a long lecture about the perils of Internet piracy, at which point they will be given the option of saying they understand, it won’t happen again, honest to God, or asking ‘why?’. The first few times they do this, they will be directed back to the beginning of the lecture and made to read through it again. If they still ask why after all that, the screen will simply read ‘Because I said so’. Other techniques include grounding pirates from downloading videos, taking away their bandwidth, and the silent treatment.
“Most of these pirates just want attention, poor dears,” said Ethel, “Once they see that piracy isn’t getting that attention, they’ll stop.”
Mrs. Robinson finished by saying, “You can’t let yourself feel sorry for these pirates, no matter how many times they make sad emoticons at you. Piracy is a problem. If your Internet users try it, send them straight to dial-up with no cookies before it becomes a habit.”