A Letter from Mittens

Dear voters,

My name is Mitt Romney and I’m not a presidential candidate. Wow, it feels good to say that! As I’m sure many of you have realized, I’ve never actually been part of the presidential race, and with the election rushing up, there’s no better time to step down and let the real Republican candidate take center stage.

In an effort to restore our future as booklovers, Restore Our Future Super PAC and I have been using my “campaign” as a literary performance piece to explore the power of an unreliable narrator. Alternative Reality Games worked so well advertising Halo 2 and Lost, why not use them for reading?

I’m a little sad to step down – you’ve all been such good sports playing along. Can you imagine reading a story where you had to rely on my representation of the world, with no external fact checkers? It’d be like trying to piece together the Joker’s backstory based only on his own admissions! I tossed so many conflicting policies and vague statements around you were hard pressed to guess which I believed in.

At first, I tried to subtly hint that I was an unreliable narrator, embedding clues throughout my speeches, but I admit, I got carried away. I felt a little like Chief in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest recounting my schizophrenic delusions as fact when I said that regulations had “quadrupled” under Obama, and I was definitely terrified of my imagination like in Turning of The Screw when I claimed that Obamacare’s advisory board would determine what treatments people could have. Just like “Tyler” in Fight Club, I said one thing in the day, and a completely different thing at night! Some of my policies only made sense if we lived in a fundamentally different world, like one where numbers don’t have consistent values.

Back when I was governor of the most educated, binder-filled state of Massachusetts, Restore Our Future approached me about this exciting literary awareness campaign. I was doubtful, until they told me Joe Biden had volunteered to represent Stream of Consciousness. He’s done a magnificent job of saying everything on his mind –it’d make Faulkner proud! I’d imagined a smaller project, but why not take advantage of such a cost-effective national resource as PBS?

When even Obama called me out for my comments on the Navy, I knew I’d made my point. So remember kids: read the classics and vote for a real candidate!

Hugs & Kisses,
Mittens

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