CMU turns CFA into asylum


After a recent study that proved a positive correlation between creativity and mental illness, President Cohen has decided to isolate CMU’s most creative students by turning the CFA building into one large asylum. “I always suspected there was something off about the art students,” he said, “But this study makes it very clear what a risk they pose to the student body. This solution allows them to get the education they need without endangering the rest of the school.”

When asked how the art students might feel about being preemptively institutionalized, Cohen replied, “Oh, we’ll just tell them it’s a year-long isolation project. They won’t even notice.” To aid in this, Cohen has enlisted the help of the architecture students to construct a vast wall around the CFA building under the guise of a senior project. Being an at-risk group themselves, the archies will be monitored during construction, with those demonstrating dangerous creative qualities escorted inside the CFA upon completion, in what Cohen calls ‘Project Daedalus.’

Of course, this solution neglects to target CMU’s other major creative demographic: creative writing majors. “It’s tricky,” Cohen said of the situation, “Unlike the art students, creative writers don’t have a single building we can isolate them in without affecting the other humanities. We considered making the Gladys Schmitt Lounge an annex of the asylum like we’ll do with Purnell, but there’s no way they’ll all fit in there.” Despite the difficulties, President Cohen says they will work to get creative writers into the designated ‘creative zones’ with promises of free print jobs and pizza.

In the meantime, students are recommended to give anyone with stylish scarves, crazy shirts, or dyed hair a wide berth. “Don’t be too obvious about it,” Cohen recommends, “Art students can smell fear. Just don’t make eye contact, report them to the nearest security guard, and you’ll be fine.

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