Crime and Incident Report

Assault and Battery

University Police arrived at Doherty last Thursday to separate a student intent on violently attacking a political volunteer. After being asked to register to vote for the thousandth fucking time, the student apparently snapped and tried to kill the volunteer. Police refused to arrest the student, since those volunteers are so goddamn irritating and we’re all tired of them bothering us.

Noise Complaint

Campus Police were summoned to Baker Hall for a report of loud crying. After tumblr servers crashed for several hours, H&SS students were unable to get their bihourly hipster fix, destroying their already fragile psyches. The police comforted the hipsters until tumblr was back online, which seemed to end the sadness. However, one of the H&SS students decided to look at his resume during the offline period, leading to a new round of wailing and gnashing of teeth. The police ignored this, as nothing could be done.

Drug Use

Campus Police arrested 20 students in McConomy last Saturday for smoking marijuana. However, it turned out the students were actually members of Scotch and Soda who were in the middle of a performance of Reefer Madness. The police suspected something was amiss when they realized drug users don’t usually sing that much.

Kidnapping

Tank, CMU’s leading roboceptionist, was reported missing last Friday. Police naturally suspected foul play, as we’re pretty sure Tank doesn’t have legs. After interrogating everybody in Newell-Simon over two days, Tank mysteriously reappeared on Monday morning in his usual spot. When readme asked where he had been, Tank only repeated “I was being serviced,” then gave a creepy wink. We absolutely refuse to look into what actually happened, mostly because it’s either really boring or absolutely horrifying. Maybe both.

StuCos You Wish Existed

 

  1. Making American Cheese for Beginners
  2. The Films of Uwe Boll
  3. Gettin’ Laid & Gettin’ Paid
  4. Necromancy: The Basics
  5. Ascending to the Higher Plane 101
  6. Introduction to Pickling Things
  7. Abovewater Basket Weaving
  8. How to Stuco
  9. How to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
  10. Introduction PHI Bar
  11. How to Succeed in Tepper without Really Trying
  12. LARPing for Non-Majors
  13. Funeral Driving
  14. Skipping Stucos: Cause Who Gives a Damn?
  15. Cooking with Poptarts
  16. A StuCo That Happens in the Afternoon Rather Than at Night
  17. How to Magically Attract Puppies
  18. How to Make Eye-Contact with Strangers and Other People

The Economics of Porn

 

It is an outrage that pornography is being shown at a public venue to what potentially could be young people not mentally developed enough to be mature about the scenes taking place.

Pornography depicts unwholesome men and women engaging in godless and sinful acts that will destroy the very foundation of America if such deeds go unpunished.

Such indecent films portray scenes in which a pizza delivery boy is offered sexual acts to make up for insufficient payment. That exchange is a gross misrepresentation of the American economic system.

The American economy was not built off of blowjobs.

Certainly such stay-at-home mothers have other skills that would stimulate the economy.

Yet that is not the way porn shows the world. It offers skewed, impossible standards that would be shunned by any student of economics.

What kind of fantasy dreamland are the writers and producers of porn living in? In no system does a blowjob equal a medium supreme pizza.

A proper economic exchange in this scenario would be one medium supreme pizza for a hand tailored cravat (quality proportionate to the quality of pizza).

With the worrying amount of young people watching pornography, it’s no wonder that America is experiencing a recession.  Millions of people, both watching porn or having grown up with pornographic influences, are misusing the system of economics upon which this fine nation was based.

That is why pornography must be stopped, or censored, to protect the young consumers of the world from the inaccuracies of the world.

The End Is Nigh

Carnegie Mellon religious studies professors have discovered that The End, which was previously thought to be several years off, is in fact Nigh. The usual system of sacrificing a virgin to stave off impending doom, which has worked for over a century, failed this year as Pitt was unable to find any virgins on the entire campus. CMU would offer one of its students as a sacrifice, but due to a contract mistake CMU forgot to add a sacrificing waiver that causes all students to forfeit their immortal souls for CMU to use and abuse. So yeah, we’re fucked.

With doom fast approaching, CMU students have all taken the news differently. CS majors, realizing that their lives could be ending at any second, have banded together in the cluster and finish compiling their kernels. CIT students, fearing that the end of days will involve a nuclear explosion, have turned the deepest basement of Doherty into a bomb shelter. Like all good shelters, it contains food, water, buckets of moonshine, and most of the meth produced by the MCS meth lab class (09-499). To make room for the shelter, the arts classes were evicted from Doherty and left to beg for protection from Purnell, who wouldn’t offer them protection because actors are assholes.

Fearing even worse hurricanes than Sandy, the architecture majors have teamed up with Buggy to create a massive Buggy ark. However, due to size restrictions, only students under 5 feet tall will be able to fit. Also, since nobody will be available to push the ark anywhere in particular, they’ve equipped the ark with several jet engines. Currently progress is slowed since initial engine testing caused the ark to overshoot Hill 1 and crash into the side of Tepper, causing millions of dollars in damages. Honestly, the panic might be causing more damage than the actual end of days. But what do I know, I’m not an accountant.

Caring for Your CMU Student

readme recently received the following letter from a fan:

Dear readme,

I’ve gone through three CMU students in the past year, and Im not sure what I’m doing wrong! They keep dying but I can’t seem to figure out why! Please share your advice with me. I just got a new one off misc market and I don’t want him to die too!

Love in the time of cholera,

Lowen B. Hold

Well, Lowen, we’ll be happy to help you out there. To care for your CMU simply follow this list of rules.

  1. Keep in mind that your CMU student is forgetful. (s)he will forget to bathe, causing him/her to develop horrible infections which will lead to his/her demise. If you notice your CMU student hacking up blood and whispering “rosebud” into the night, you may want to take him/her to Health Services.
  2. Make sure to feed your CMU student at least 3 times a week, as he/she will likely forget to feed him/herself. Watch your CMU student while they order food or they may decide to live solely off of coffee and slices of pizza abandoned on top of garbage cans.
  3. Without Wifi access, CMU students shrivel up in die. This will also occur if you expose them to too much direct sunlight. Therefore, before you take your CMU student home, be sure to have a nice, dark, quiet place prepared for them. Like Harry’s cupboard under the stairs, but with Wifi access.
  4. CMU students’ other form of nourishment is TV shows. Make sure, before you bring him/her into your home, that you have a fully stocked case of science fiction TV shows and DVDs of Dexter.

A New President

 

What a campaign season it’s been! After years of negative campaign ads, countless debates, and literally thousands of Santorum jokes, finally a president has been chosen. As a true American patriot, readme is proud to celebrate our new president of the United States: Jared Cohon.

Yes, current and soon-to-be former president Jared Cohon has won the presidency. Unlike Obama and Romney, only Cohon had the necessary executive experience, considering he’s been president of CMU for the last 15 years. Along with vice president Scotty T. Dog (the T stands for the), Cohon will combine the brilliant ideas of CMU with the crazy and dangerous powers that come with the presidency.

For his first act as president, Cohon will declare Carnival week to be a national holiday, a time for all people to take a break from work, come together as a nation, and get absolutely shitfaced. Additionally, a dangerously large budget has been allotted to Booth, allowing all groups to build dangerously large and elaborate Booths. New regulations will also be required after KGB constructed a 50-foot tall animatronic Godzilla for small children to play on. There were no survivors.

Cohon’s second act as president will be to subsidize the price of tuition at CMU, allowing students to attend free of charge and rent cheap textbooks and bwahahahaha I’m just fucking with you. Seriously, tuition will go up another 5 percent and books now cost $500 each. Also the meal plans are even more expensive. Goddammit Cohon.

Fowl Play

Yippie Ki Yay, Gobble Gobble

The White House was faced with a major gaffe after it found that Adolf, the turkey President Obama pardoned Monday, deserves to die.

“Adolf is a serial killer rapist terrorist,” the National Turkey Federation said of the 45-lb bird, “There must be some kind of mix up. Of all the turkeys we’ve raised for America, this is the only one we know should die.”

Unlike his brethren sent to grocery stores this November, Adolf turkey is currently living in luxury on an exclusive Utah ranch. The Broad Breasted White is handfed pure gold and black tar heroin.

PETA surprised many by joining the call for the turkey’s death, “For the ethical treatment of all animals, the criminal turkey known as Adolf needs to be hunted down and murdered – humanely.”

CNN labeled the act the worst thing since Ford pardoned Nixon. Taking advantage of the outcry, Mitt Romney asked America if this meant it was willing for a re-vote.

 

Pumpkin and Pecan, turkeys pardoned in 2008, were shocked and appalled by the scandal. “This besmirches the beautiful American tradition of killing only 45 million turkeys each Thanksgiving, not 45 million and two. We’re very grateful,” said Pumpkin, and then pecked readme in the foot.

It seemed unlikely that Adolf would ever answer for his crimes. The turkey’s lawyer, Dr. Bigglestein, bound the President’s hands when he invoked the cherished American mandate of no-take backs.

However, justice came in the night. Ranch owners were shocked yesterday to find that Adolf was nowhere to be found. While many assume the bird has been eaten, conspiracy theorists say the broken fence and coyote tracks were merely faked by the CIA.

When asked for comment, the feathers scattered about the ranch fluttered in the wind, but did not peck readme in the foot.

New Tech: Google Lust

In a rather different take on privacy policies, Google’s new Gorgeous Maps lets users
rate the attractiveness of bystanders caught in the maps’ street view images.

The service is a way for users to get to know the people in their area before
they move, and a facilitator for singles to branch out to others in their area,
reported Google CEO, comparing Gorgeous Maps to social connecting sites like
MissedConnections and LikeaLittle.

The service is fairly new; it was launched in New England in 2008 and only recently
expanded to the rest of the United States and to participating countries worldwide.
The service is primarily targeted at young men and women ages 18-27, and its pilot
program in New England celebrated an over-all positive reception.

“At first I wasn’t sure about strangers seeing photos of me,” admitted Maddi Kay,
a 24-year-old nursing student at Boston University, “but once I realized you could
vote on people’s hotness, I started getting into it.” Kay reports that she has enjoyed
time browsing for singles in the area in the hope of luring “some young gent into a
clingy relationship.”

While the majority of responses to Gorgeous Maps has been positive, it is also
facing a fair amount of criticism. “I am incredibly offended,” said 30-year-old
Eugenia Bates, a florist in Princeton, New Jersey. “I was really excited to see Google’s
Gorgeous Maps van drive towards my house! But when it got to my yard, it just sped
up! Apparently I’m too old or something!” Bates then excused herself to go feed her
thirty cats.

Tartan Breaks Up with readme, the Bitch

readme had always held that the Tartan is a thistle in its side, but one late night as it
was leaving the AB office and the Tartan was leaving its offices, readme realized just
how hot off the press the Tartan really is.

Damn, thought readme, I’d like to give her a print job.

readme could no longer lie to itself: it wanted some word play with the Tartan.
readme dreamed of touching its rack or giving the Tartan masthead.

Tormented by this new feeling, readme used the only way it new to get the Tartan’s
attention: it posted on its forum and asked for a dateline. Soon a one-time rivalry
turned into something beautiful: love.

But now, the Tartan’s saying it was all just a typo.

“readme seemed great online,” admitted the Tartan, “but when we met page-to-
page, more and more of readme’s issues kept coming out.” The Tartan broke up with
readme last week.

readme, heartbroken over the news, repeatedly called the Tartan and left twenty-
seven texts on its phone.

“We could have had a great shelf life together. It would have been a real page-
turner,” blubbered readme, crying itself soggy.

Was it all just a one night newsstand to the Tartan? And now it’s over, period?

People are being . . . elected, or something?

Tired of the presidential debates? Afraid of the results causing change, especially
scary change? Don’t worry, readme is here to remind you about the irrelevancy of
student government elections. No, we don’t know who’s running either.

readme is puzzled by how CMU expects us to pay attention to student elections for
more than a week, especially given that negative campaigning and mudslinging
are banned. (CMU, it seems, is missing the point of elections.) But, because readme
understands its obligations as the only serious news source on campus, we bothered
to look up the positions being so valiantly fought over:

Your Senator represents their college department in discussing student projects,
and stabs Caesar when appropriate.
Your President represents CMU (presumably by dressing as Mel Gibson in
Braveheart) and oversees the executive branch.
The Vice President helps out the president (Not to be confused with the Virtue
President, who is surprisingly a dick and harms the president.)
The Student Body Vice president for Finance and the Vice President for
Organizations are noble heroes who are super-amazing, kind, wonderful, best-ever
people who decide readme’s future and award them a huge printing budget next
year (HINT HINT).

readme would also like to remind you that a few new positions have been added:
Ad Vice President – oversees graffiti on campus buildings
Sheriff – insists that this major isn’t big enough for the two of us, then persuades you
to switch into bagpiping
Speaker for the House – a small speaker in your dorm.
Speaker for House – says it’s not Lupus
Vice President of Knives and Other Pointy Things: Makes sure the Cut looks sharp
Junior Deputy Vice President – our last, unlikely hope in the case that absolutely
every other member of the government is killed.

This should be an election to acknowledge, unlike the other ones that we presume
have been going on these past few years. Facebook surveys even suggest that a
record number of student will vote this time. “Last year I got distracted and only
filled out half a ballot,” said Dennis Tracy, who enjoys the prestige of being CMU’s
only voter, “but I’m really gunning to finish it his year. I feel really good about this!”

Due to last year’s staff quitting out of boredom, readme has been put in charge of the
election. Once someone actually votes online, we can finally go home. So please vote.
Pleeeaaaseee.