THIS WEEK IN BEARS: A SYRUPY HEIST

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HEIST

For years, those conniving bastards had us believing that all they wanted from us were our oversized jars of honey and our picnic baskets, and the occasional lost hiker. Now, they’ve gone too far. The sudden disappear- ance of Canada’s entire supply of ma- ple syrup (and its only export unrelated to hockey) was mysterious at first. It was a week before the theft was report- ed, Canadians being too polite to make a fuss over the disappearance of their only natural food source. But when the Mounties started suffering from syrup withdrawal, Canada decided it was aboot time to investigate.

Upon discovering that only the syrup itself, not the drums in which they were contained, had been stolen, the answer became obvious: Bears. Who else would be sneaky enough to break into the Canadian Maple Syrup Vault undetected, eat all the maple syrup, and escape without footprints? Who else hates waffles so much that they’d destroy the greatest topping for the otherwise dry and bland breadstuff? The attack on breakfast has begun.

Taking this warning to heart, Canada and America are partnering together to sneak strawberry jam and Nutella out of grocery stores and into protected stashes around the countries. Yester- day, America issued a warning to the bears, vowing a ten-year retribution against any bears trying their tricks in the USA. In response, Canada asked the bears to “maybe not steal from us again, please?”

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