The American Psychological Association yesterday released the results of astudy revealing that penis size really does matter and isn’t just some bullshit men cooked up. The forty-year long study followed men of all social classes throughout their lives and hardships.
“It’s shocking,” said lead psychologist Dr. Manelum (7 inches), “but men with larger penises are more likely to keep their health, be steady fathers, get jobs in their chosen field, and find true love.”
The news didn’t so much provoke shock as mutters of “yeah, figures” and “I knew it!” The results are more completely conclusive than any study ever done and there is no margin of error.
“Look at the facts,” Dr. Lyons, PhD, MD, esq (11 inches), “repeatedly we find social degenerates and unfortunates have tiny dicks. Adulterers average 4 inches, Stalin himself only 3 inches. Anyone with less than 5 inches is likely to be a psychopath, murderer, fast food worker, or hipster.” Women agree, too. Nine out of ten women noted that men who used penis lengthening procedures became more likely to help out around the house and finally understand what it is women want. (“That’s actually something guys don’t get?” laughed Mike Willaby, 8 inches, as he cured breast cancer and broke three Olympic records).
All other men in the study went home to cry. (The APA also reports that an ongoing study suggest that is really doesn’t matter how you use it).