Letter to the Editor: Scared and Horny

Dear readme,

I’m having trouble staying faithful to my wife, “Zoe”. We’re newly married and we’ve never had relationship problems before.   As I child I had a bit of a dollar bill fetish and a crush on my sister’s  Raggedy Ann. I struggled for years to hide it, and I thought I’d managed to escape my desires by sticking with credit cards and moving away from my little sister. But Halloween has made this impossible.   Recently I was looking for Halloween decorations for our house and I cut through the women’s costume aisle. Ads for Sexy Raggedy Ann costumes, Sexy Money Bunny costumes and Money Ho costumes jumped out at me from all  around. Miniskirts made of cash were everywhere, and I couldn’t escapes Ben Franklin’s sultry gaze, staring at me with that come hither look I  once knew so well. It’d been years since I last handled cash, but the presidents haven’t aged a day. All my old desires just poured back.   What can I do? My daughter even got a Raggedy Ann doll and I’m having more and more trouble coping with the siren call of its black button eyes. I don’t want to ruin my marriage, but I don’t think my wife would understand. How can I save our relationship?   The only ray of sunshine is it’s vindicating to know that I’m not alone. I can finally appeal the court case that convicted me of defiling U.S.  currency.

-Terrifyingly Turned On

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